Free Write In October

I am not angry at the past. I want to let the past go. I am the one who continues trying to mend relationships with friends and family, and the others do not give interest in the relationship. I want to move on with my life, but I have these urges to do things that aren't good for me. I don't believe in organized religion, and why can't I be okay with that? What is it attempting to merge with my mind? There's no answer.

I am unhappy with my life, and I feel trapped. I feel under the control of others' perspective instead of my own. I feel famous, like everyone knows my deepest secret, and I don't want to become emotionless and insecure, embarrassed, but that's how I'm beginning tofeel. I feel like my own punisher, like I forgot that I love myself. I need help, and instead of just helping me it's as if I'm a part of someone else's game or film. I want to feel happy and confident. I want to remain optimistic. But whenever I think about the world and my own experiences I only think negative thoughts. I begin to think that life will not get any better than this. Like there's nothing I can do to change my life, which is bullshit. But it is a strange feeling to have all of these responsibilities for this month and not have money to pay my bills. Life is about money, money does buy things that make you happy. We are in a backwards ass world/ country that relies on rhetoric and persuasion in order to keep control of the people. No one can own people, but they can hire them. And hiring someone else is the same thing as owning them. Amazon tries to say that $17 per hour is premium wage! I can't believe these people have our best interest in mind. I'm greater than a warehouse job. I don't even want to teach, honestly. I want to write stories and books and songs and poems that change the perspective of Americans and the world.

I'm kind of at war within myself many times. I need to first of all, end all relationships with people from my past. This includes family. Secondly, I need to move to a major city. Leave my home town. Third I have to spend my time doing the things I want to do. I always make time, but sometimes I'm so distracted that I can't write or even think. I just want to escape reality. So I drink or watch TV.

I think our leaders are sick. I think they suffer from mental illness. I don't think rich people should tell other people what to do. I think the doctors are sick too (not a Covid pun). I, honestly, from the depth of my soul, believe I am being targeted and my potential in this country is being limited. I know it's true. I'm 33 years old, and why all of the sudden do I become self destructive? I know one major factor to my depression is poverty. I never have enough money, I'm always struggling, every month. And I have no meaningful relationships. I have no friends like me. Also, I become hateful and angry when I meet new people. I feel like they are judging me as well. Or laughing at me. Just think about what happened at D Street dental. That was a targeted attack on my sanity and well being. But no one is held accountable for their actions. People every day in the medical field get away with heinous and cruel crimes. Police get way with crimes, politicians. How the fuck can you justify dropping atom bombs on other human beings, or gaming your people of your state. People are guilty of crimes every day they are committing crimes, and nothing happens to them.

And these normal every day actions and facts go against our own morality and common sense and yet we continue to allow them to happen. Here's the fact people are much much more intelligent than they have ever been, and there is so much information available that tye intelligence of the entire race has raised. Now, people are over qualified for the warehouse position. The warehouse jobs can be done by fucking robots. How many people can stand 8 hours per day? Without being in pain?

How can I go from exercising everyday, eating healthy to back fucking up my diet? Why can't I just save my money? It is so difficult for me to save money, first off because I have no money or not enough money. ( (Voices just said "lose weight" [male voice]) This is the shame from our social connections. I don't only hear voices, along with the voices come feelings, and perspectives on topics and subjects. I'm afraid or ashamed or angry to the point where I haven't showered in like a week. I've been sitting outside more often. It's really fucked up to tell myself that life is so bad and your goals so unattainable and impossible that suicide is better than to continue suffering. I don't feel empowered like I usually do. I usually feel unstoppable, particularly when it comes to my arts and education. I think being on probation is really trying to break me down to nothing and turn me into some bitter asshole. Jail does nothing more than break my spirit, and my spirit is all that I am. It tries to break my spirit. All that I ask is for 5 acres of land and a $20,000 yearly income. That is nothing! And a place to go to meet new friends. And a psychologist session once per week. And the ability to study in a university setting. And all of my music equipment.

I'm in a bad place mentally. I'm trying to kill myself because I'm unhappy. I hope I get into a treatment program, and they help me with resources. I need long term therapy. I saw a suicide guy, fresh out of the hospital wearing the green napkin the hospital provides and I laughed at him. I thought about helping him with clothes, but like I said he's just part of the street theater. Like the tow truck drivers gathered together with beat up cars on their tow trucks. It just felt rehearsed. Even the people inside of the laundry felt like they rehearsed. I know someone will say that I watch too much TV . . . No, you're a fucking idiot. Anyways, I help people all of the time. I try to do the right thing. Honestly, but I have no support! Some people go their entire life and do not feel a quarter of the despair that I feel. I want to simple life, and I'm willing to work for it! But I know that my skill level is much higher than the average person and at the same time I'm not very competitive. Because when I begin to feel competitive I either run or I become violent, so instead of suffering myself or causing others to suffer I just say fuck it, and quit the entire paradigm. Also, I have this feeling like I'm not good enough when I know that I am good enough. And, at the same time, there are so many people in America who are liars and con artists. Within this idea holds one of my core values, America is one huge land of scams, scam artists, and victims. It's true. I don't see how America can continue as a nation. There are beautiful aspects to the US;

the natural world and wildlife, the optimism, and the greatest thing the military policed state. Without the policed state I believe America would have had a second Civil War. Then I realize, okay, I'm not America. I get it now. I'm not a true citizen. The political pendants, representatives, CIA, police, FBI, etc. are Americans, they get to exploit and get rich and start companies and buy homes and have families, and there are people like me, denizens, who are forced to either conform and labor some dead end job or slave for those same people who are exploiting me. I remember the colonizer and the colonized, and that relationship holds true in society today. We have one group of people who are benefitting from the exploitation of another.

Down with the enemy.